Short jokes
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
Why did he die?
Because God made a mistake and pressed Ctrl+Z.
Yo mama is so slow, when she stepped on the highway they had to order a crane to come move her from starting traffic.
What did the Canadian say when a guy shot his beaver?
"It is ok, I forgive you."
What bathroom does a trumpet go to?
The brass room...
How do u catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way.
Not all cat puns are purr-fect; some just have their claws.
What do you say when a Spanish person loses a car?
Carlos.
We don't have school shooters; we have special ed breeches.
You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.
Rules of dark humor.
1. Everything shall be touched.
2. If it offends someone, it shall not be touched.
Christianity.
I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.
Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.
Me: Nah, it's just two tired.
What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?
They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"
How do you fix an igloo?
With Iglue.
Man, I’m so sorry that Stephen Hawking is dead; he was such a good person.
Too bad it’s a staircase to Heaven and not a ramp.
I could tell you the one about the broken pencil... but it's pointless.
Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.
Son: Mom, I'm blind.
Mom: Exactly!
When do you go on red and stop at green?
A watermelon.