Short jokes

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?

My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

The three unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?

Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.

Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water?

Who else would think of adding gas?

Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile.

I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately, it doesn't have a homepage.

How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall? -- They'll get over it.

What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.