Short jokes

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ... so Trump can't tweet it.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water?

Who else would think of adding gas?

Why did the scientist want to take off his doorbell?

Because he wanted to win the no-bell prize.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

How to fall down stairs.

Step 1. Step 2. Step 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

What do lesbians cook for dinner?

They don't, they just eat out.

What kind of bees eat brains?

Zombees.

Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.

When you send nudes to your Roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone...

Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.