Short jokes

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. His response was, "Ho ho ho."

"When Republicans do politics, it's a crime. But when Democrats commit crimes, it's politics." ---Tyler Nixon

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.

Titanic was sinking.

Passenger: "How far are we from land?"

Captain: "Two miles."

Passenger: "Which direction?"

Captain: "Down."

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.

These jokes cheered me up from suicide. This is amazing material. God bless all of you.

Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?

If depression is going to be my girlfriend, will she leave me?

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall? -- They'll get over it.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.

Hubble just spotted something huge coming out of Uranus.

I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately, it doesn't have a homepage.