Short jokes
I told my lesbian friends, "I wanna watch," so they bought me a Timex®.
It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
What's the worst thing to say at a live birth?
"Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
Why doesn’t Jesus trust humanity anymore?
Because he doesn’t wanna get double-crossed.
Why did the priest invent baptism?
To wash their sex toys.
I'm racist.
I don't like green cars.
What is a dog's favorite music?
Pup rock
How do you make a blow job OSHA compliant? You add a railing!
What did the black kid say when he went to the confession booth?
"Daddy?"
What did the squirrel say when he chewed some saggy boobs?
Is it just me or do these taste like nuts?
What's a pedophile's favorite fast food meal?
In-N-Out of kids.
Why is chemotherapy like a five-star meal?
Because you have to have money to pay for it.
What do blonde chicks and Asians have in common?
They both drive with their blinker on.
What's the difference between a blonde chick and Alzheimer's?
None, because they both forget a lot.
Feminists should STFU and suck my dick!
A guy walks into a zoo, but it only has one dog.
It's a shitzu.
What do guns and women have in common?
They both get cocked and loaded.
How do you make a blonde girl stop screaming in bed? Pull out of her.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me later!"
Why are dildos like a ratcheting wrench? They both make lots of noise and get their job done.
What's something you shouldn't tell a paraplegic that's being confronted by a bully?
Just walk away.