Short jokes
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she’s the only one who’s 18.
What did the blind man say the first time he touched sandpaper?
“What in the world did I just read?”
Why are Indian people bad at Monopoly?
Because whenever they hit the corner, they build a shop.
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite poker hand?
Jacks and 5.
What pronouns would Michael Jackson have used as a Gender Identifier?
“He/he.”
What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?
The school shooter will always spare you.
Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”
No? Shame, it was real fun.
What do dark humor and a person with scoliosis have in common?
Both are sick and twisted.
Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?
Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.
What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?
The HIV test results.
I found a dog outside a store, so I took him home with me.
The dog was standing outside a blind supplies store.
Why do emo kids cost so much?
Because they’re the only people you can scan at the checkout machine.
What’s the hardest part about being a pedophile?
Fitting in.
Why do Arabs hate chess?
Because the queen is allowed to move freely.
Your mother is so fat that her BMI (Body Mass Index) exceeds 40, therefore classifying her as morbidly obese.
"Lettuce" stop making vegetable puns. We don't carrot all about them and they're not a-peas-ing.
A couple is on their first date.
Man: How do you feel about sex?
Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?