Short jokes
What's the same thing between a baby and a grenade?
They both make a sound when thrown.
What do you call a pole dancer?
A stripper.
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
What superhero will orphans never understand?
Homelander.
Why can’t orphans build anything?
Because they can’t go to Home Depot.
150,000$
Why couldn't the horse give out a speech?
Option one: Horses can't speak at all.
Option two: His voice was a little *hoarse*.
It's not a joke.
I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.
Bastards can never pray, because they don't have a Holy Father.
You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?
A lot of things.
If you think of a president as your king, then the USA got checkmated on November 22nd, 1963.
My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.
He can tell the future.
I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.
Guess who likes vegetables now?
When you tell an Asian kid it’s raining cats and dogs and he’s like, “Just open your mouth and close your eyes!”
What's the difference between saying "bloody" in America and in the U.K.?
In the U.K., it's a swear word.
In America, it's a family reunion.
Person: "How many people have you had intercourse with?"
Me: "Nun."
A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."
I went on a dating site looking for arsonists.
I found a lot of matches.
Want to know how a joke becomes a dad joke? Just wait for it to leave you and never come back.