Short jokes
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
What has a bottom at the top?
Your legs.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What kind of dog can do magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.
What is heavy forward but not backward?
"Ton."
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
How many ears does Captain Picard have?
Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front-ear.
What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? The hockey player showers after 3 periods.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What is a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? -- Free delivery.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.