Short jokes
Dad: I get to touch animals every day at the zoo.
Kid: Why?
Dad: I clean up animal s*** at the zoo.
What happened to the gator when he walked into the hospital?
He became Gatorade.
What happened to the alligator when he held a GPS?
He became a navigator.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a hostage?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I'm sorry for all the fish puns. I feel so GILL-ty.
I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
Why did Sally decide to fly to school?
She couldn't drive.
Q. What do you call a gun that rapes someone?
A. An assault rifle.
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
What is the best thing about gay people?
They're gay about being gay even though they're gonna get shot in the USA. Wait, that rhymes!
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Running, JK rolling!
What did the penis say to its pee?
"Urine."
A man asks a woman, "Are you a school?"
The woman replies, "No, why?"
The man says, "Oh, I wanted to shoot my kid inside of you."
I am throwing a party in space. Can you help me planet?
Why are orphans so good at tennis?
Because that’s the only love they get.
How does a butcher keep his tent up in the wind? Steaks.
Your mum is so fat, she gets hit by a parked car!
You're so lucky bullies don't have a chance to push you around anymore?
They'll get theirs when they're in a wheelchair?
What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour?
A baby tied to the back of a pick up truck.