Short jokes
Why aren't there any closets in southern churches? Closets have coat hangers.
I woke up on the floor this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side though.
I wish my lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can’t run.
My dad asked, "Where are you going?"
Me: "Back to the orphanage."
Mom! I think that dad is sleeping.
Mom: No, honey, I killed him.
I told my doctor I ate a bunch of bananas. It wasn’t a very a-peeling experience.
What do you call someone with an extra chromosome winning in a pool?
Posiedown.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?
An amputation.
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
Nothing... They both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.
Do you know why I don't like stairs? They are always up to something. #dadjokes
Have you tried eating a clock?
It's time-consuming!
How does a turkey drive a car? He wings it.
What do you call a fish that can use a katana?
A salmon-rai.
Dear algebra,
I don't want to find your X. I don't know Y she left you.
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
Is it just me, or are magnets really attractive?
Digging stuff up is too hard.
I guess necrophilia isn’t for everybody.
I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.
How did Stephen Hawking become a billionaire?
He won the F1 Wheelchair race.