What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast.
Short Jokes
What did the marshmallow say when he was roasting in the fire? "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back till I realized it is a family business.
Don't you hate it when you sit on your balls? It's a real nutcracker!
What did the duck say to the pond?
"Fuck Trump."
My wife went to make a cake. The recipe said, "Separate two eggs," so she put one egg in the living room.
Poopy, farty, pee.
Who likes penis?
My cousin!
During the holidays in the fruit bowl, the orange walked up to the banana and said, "Berry Christmas!"
Why am I so sad?
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
A man with a drum.
"Well, tell him to beat it!"
Why did half of the world go to hell?
Because they were laughing at morbid jokes.
(You've been warned!)
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation?
A period.
Why?
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.
If museums are full of dead things...
Then why aren't there any memes inside them?
When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."
Your bus is so short... the wheels touch.
Landing on its feet won't help a cat in China...
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.
