What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
They both only change their pads after every third period!
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."
How do you kill a retard?
Give them a knife and say, "Who's special?"
What does an autistic kid and a loaf of bread have in common?
They both have special needs.
Me: September is here!
[Labor Day comes]
Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”
My friend: How are you running so fast? You just had 10 hamburgers!
Me: It’s the 10 hamburgers that are making me run fast!
Imagine a dragon 🤔.
Imagine me dragging these nuts across your face.
What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
Cheater, cheater, woman beater!
How do you know if a chick is too fat?
If you pull her pants down, her ass is still in them.
What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
What’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.
A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."
Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?
Cot death.
I asked the homeless woman if I could take her home. She said yes, so I took it.
My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.
I said, "Maybe."
What is worse than seeing your sibling drown?
Getting the water bill.
How do you ground a Gen Z?
Make them go outside and socialize.
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.
Why do they call matches, matches?
They all look the same.
