Short jokes
My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.
Why can't antelopes get married?
Because they can't elope.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.
Where do cows go for entertainment?
The MOOOOvie theater.
Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.
GOOGOO?
RTY!
Where do keyboards go to have dinner?
The space bar!!!
Stephen Hawking walked in a bar...
Just kidding.
What's a school shooter's favorite flower?
Columbine.
Oh he.
Uuhgggyuuuhhhgg.
Just to an orphan.
Orphan: You're stupid.
You: You're so ugly, it's the reason your parents are dead.
As a scientist, I confirm that you speak too fast. It has a speed of 1 bullshit per second.
A: What's the similarity between your girlfriend and the sun?
B: They're both hot?
A: They're both massive.
Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?
A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.
Your mom's so fat, when she sat on Walmart, she lowered the prices!
Do not tell an orphan family meeting; they wouldn't get it.
Why isn't there much honey in Brazil?
Because there's only one B in Brazil.
I have more chin than the Chinese phone book.
Depressed people are lame because they are just lame, no reason.
Iron Man: Where are you from?
Thor: Asgard.
Iron Man: Do you mean ass guard?