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Short jokes

Short jokes

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

You’re so fat; if you go outside now, you’d be arrested for breaking social distancing guidelines.

What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

What's the main similarity between an elementary school math class and the USA?

The class divides.

I cannot believe no one's come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it would be a piece of cake!

God loved you so much that He gave you one face and started clearing off a place for another.

If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.

What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

Did you hear they think Michael Jackson died from food poisoning? He ate 12-year-old nuts and a 13-year-old wiener.

My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

Ex-bf's gf: You're so ugly as hell.

Me: Oh, did I mention that I was trying to be you?