Shit Jokes

I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)

What were my great grandpa's last words?

"SHIT MG42!!!"

What is the politically correct term for rabbit shit?

Raisins.

What can you tell [as] a difference between [a] man and a woman [in a] relationship?

Both of them are just full of shit.

What is wrong with having chocolate for dessert? It tastes like shit, and I hate it.

Why did an Indian cross the road?

To take a shit.

Little Johnny walks in on his mom taking a shower and slips and falls under her, and he says, "What's that, Mama?" She says, "That's just an old bear." He says, "He's a mean bear." She says, "Why's that?" He says, "He's got blood in on eye and shit in the other."

What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek? "Together we can stop this shit!"

Ever heard the saying white people can’t jump??

Well, I think that’s total bullshit. You should have seen us on 9/11!

Robber 1: *gets shot in ass*

Robber 2: You have to shit in a bag for life lol.

Robber 1: What, the Tesco or Asda one?

So a guy gets a motorcycle with authentic leather seats, and the dealer tells him, "Dude, the rain will ruin the seats. Get it under something if it starts raining, and worst-case scenario, put Vaseline all over the seats to make it waterproof." So he goes to his girlfriend's house that night for dinner, and before he goes inside, she says, "Listen, this is your first time meeting my parents. We have a rule: the first one to speak has to do the dishes." So he walks inside and sees a mountain of dishes, over three months' worth, because no one has spoken, and the stench is awful.

During dinner, he concocted a plan to get someone to speak, so he started doing all of this crazy shit to try and get someone to speak. Not a peep. Eventually, he grabs his girlfriend, bends her over, and starts going to town. Still nothing. The parents are outraged but not speaking because they don't want to do the dishes. After about a minute of this, he walks away and does the same to her mum and starts going to town. Now the dad is pissed and just staring him down with daggers. At that moment, it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle is out in the rain, and he grabs the Vaseline out of his pack pocket, and the dad goes, "FINE! I'LL DO THE DISHES!"

What do rednecks and deaf people have in common?

Don’t care wtf you say or listen to shit you say😂

It's not that I don't get the laugh, but most of you need to read through what's already been posted, 'cause everybody's saying the same sh*t.

This isn't a joke, but in some countries, children eat their shit for better digestion when constipated.

Let’s try and make this joke the most liked and commented on this website. (Ps, you may need to say it out loud to get it.)

I went to a zoo and there were no people and there was one dog. It was a shih tzu.

And to the parents of the lost boy named Timmy, we have found him, and now is your chance to make your escape. He really is a little shit, isn't he?

What's the first thing you say in anal sex..... "Holy shit!"

Alright, I'm gonna drink the lo-carb one to see how it compares to the normal Monster.

Holy shit, it tastes just like the original one.

There's like a weird after taste though.

Kinda like a sparkling water one.

I love Monster. I've drank about 5 cans already.

Just shit my pants and it ran all down my legs... last time I eat at Popeyes.

What do you say when the toilet is clogged?

Oh shit!