Sh jokes
I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.
Oh, sh**! I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?
Me: *posts random joke about a duck*
That one guy in the comment section for no reason: "Shut the f*uck up you dumb b*tch you are a piece of sh*t you..."
That other guy in the comment section: "That’s actually offensive to ducks."
Bro it’s a joke...
When you tell an orphan, "I did your mom in your home," and they start crying.
Me: You f&*k up.
The class: Oh sh!&
What do you call an Indian with a wooden leg? Shit on a stick.
What do you call an Indian with two wooden legs? A waste of lumber.
Old Mother Riley, had a fat cow.
She milked it and milked it but didn't know how, she pulled his tail, pulled his tits. Old Mother Riley was covered in sh!t.
Q: Why didn’t Santa eat the milk and cookies you set out for him?
A: He doesn’t exist, you childish sh**!
Women are like rolls of toilet paper. They are either really cheap or expensive, you use them a lot, and they deal with a lot of sh*t.
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
My mom once ate a full giant cheesecake, and we were walking to our flight back home, and she had to sh*t.
We were walking to the bathroom, and she full on [did it] in front of the carousel. She had a lump of poo in her pants... True story, haha!
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
Two gay guys are in a burning building, who gets out first? The one on the top or the bottom?
The bottom because his sh*t's already packed.
Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.
What do a 14-year-old and the fetus inside her have in common?
They both say, "Ohh sh*t, my mom is going to kill me!"
White people: *come to America, meet natives and take food, kill them, rape them, and enslave them.*
Natives: Can y-
White people: Hey, you remember all that horrible sh*t we did to you? Let's have a good laugh about it over dinner with your buddies and my new wives.
Someone: Stop making jokes about sh!
Me: Oh, sorry man, I'll cut it out, I'll cut it out deep!
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
So, today is my birthday. Today, I am 13, but yesterday I am going to turn 10. But I am not even going to school to know the number ten, because one time at 10 p.m. in the morning it was so cold in my hot room, so I went outside to drive my car. But I stopped because the light turned green. I was taking a bath in the front of my car, and it didn’t have a bin, so I am taking a sh$t.
JAW don't know sh*t!
Yo mama so fat, when Santa Claus went down the chimney, he said, "Ho, ho, hooooly sh*t!"