Sex jokes

What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?

At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that meat makes them happy.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jill said yes, took off her dress, and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pills, and now they have a son.

What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?

The rooster says... "cock-a-doodle-doo." The prostitute says... "any cock will do."

Men wake up with a boner.

Women wake up yawning.

Coincidence?

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."

Why are vaginas and the Mariana Trench similar? Lots of seamen go missing there.

How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blowjob.

Don’t have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!

What did the wind say to the palm tree? "Hold onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job."

What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don't care if she has one.

What’s black, white, and red all over?

An ethnic orgy.

What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?

Nothing... They both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."

A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.