Sex jokes
My wife is so fat. After sex, I rolled over twice. I was still on top of the bitch!
I had sex with my dog once, and my cat hissed at me for not doing her.
So, I went up to an Australian girl. She looked like she was 20, and I said, "Can I have your phone number, sweetheart?" She said, "696969." I said, "Oh, haha, okay." A few days later, her mother called me and said she's 15.
Mickey Mouse went to a psychologist and told him, “I’m having problems with my girlfriend.”
The psychologist said, “You mentioned that you think she is crazy.”
He said, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”
Roses are red, violets are blue, I only do anal, I thought you knew.
Two natives sit in the bar getting shit-faced.
Almost closing time, "Brother, you gonna snag?"
"Yeah, I'm taking her home."
He walks over, she gathers her things. Walking out together, he takes her to his car outback. They stay messing around then start having sex. He starts to get carried away. He looks down at her. She looks up at him and says, "Slow down, cousin, you're going too fast..."
When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.
What's the difference between 5 cocks and a joke? I can't take a joke.
I have fuck and sex with all the sexy naked ladies and they suck my balls (penis), but you ain't have no girlfriend. Your only friend, they call him ching chong coz of your hairline.
In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.
What's the difference between a dead baby in my trash can and a discarded sex toy?
...
I'm still trying to think of an answer.
I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?
He was a great veterinarian.
What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave? A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
What does a condom and a coffin have in common?
They both still have stiffs, but one is coming and one is going.
There was an illegal alien woman who wanted to be called "undocumented." So, I had "undocumented" sex with her and threatened to have her deported if she reported me for rape. I'd call it even.
Did you hear about the new sex doll they've invented for Muslims?
It blows itself up!!
Things you say before sex, Disney addition:
"Have you seen my Mouseketool? Oh, Toodles!"
What do you call a physically disabled man who is sitting on the toilet inside the handicapped stall inside the men's restroom?
Sex worker.