Self jokes
What kind of veggie is always getting itself into a hard situation?
A pickle.
I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.
When there's no piñata at the party, but the emo kid just hung himself.
How do you know all suicide bombers self-identify as being old?
They are all boomers in the end.
I walked out of the electronic store and saw a midget carrying a big screen TV all by himself. He looked like he needed a hand, so I offered to help.
He said, "This is not a big screen TV, it's a Kindle!!"
I bullied a handicap today.
What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?
This is a joke in itself.
What do you call an orphan who takes a selfie?
A family portrait.
I know you came here to feel good about yourself...
I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.
If an emo kid and the quiet kid had a fight, the quiet kid would win because the emo kid would hang himself to death.
Like this,
it will give you good luck. See for yourself!
Yo mama is so ugly, her self-portraits hanged themselves.
Yo momma so fat, when she pulled out the chair, it screamed and broke itself.
My jokes are pretty "bone-arifick," if I say so myself. Hehhehe... Get it?
Q. What's the difference between pizza and an emo?
A. The pizza doesn't cut itself.
What is the difference between a cow and me?
Nothing.
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
Little Johnny was living with his grandpa during the summer. Well, grandpa had a beer, and Johnny said, "Grandpa, let me get a sip of that." Grandpa said, "Well, lil Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And lil Johnny said, "Well no sir." And grandpa said, then no, you can't.
Later that day, papaw (grandpa) had a cigar, and Johnny said let me get a hit of that, and papaw asked, "Well, Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And Johnny said no again. Then papaw was shooting his gun, and Johnny asked if he could shoot it, and grandpa asked Johnny if his d**k reached his a**, and Johnny said no.
Well, after supper, Johnny's grandma made Johnny some ice cream (the most amazing bowl of ice cream EVER), and grandpa said, "Johnny, let me get a bit of that ice cream," and Johnny asked papaw, "Well, papaw, does your d**k reach your a**?" And papaw said, "Well, Johnny, as a matter of a fact, it does," and Johnny said, "Good, now go f**k yourself because you ain't getting none of my ice cream!"
Cheer for fun on the telephone and singing, "We are family!" Even then, your dad, really, he's fat, just like your dad. And your mom's fat ass, b**** ass, looking like an Oompa Loompa self, looking like an ugly.