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Stevie Wonder is a terrible father.
He never sees his kids.
Doctor: Tomorrow is like John Cena, you won’t see it.
Why can't we see a camel?
Because it's camelflauged!
I hate family reunions.
I see too many of my ex's there.
What’s the difference between 69 and a family reunion?
You only see one asshole in 69.
Your forehead is too big. I can see my future when it shines.
Q: My scale had my phone number on it. Wandering why, I looked up only to see an elephant in my face...
Alright, I'm gonna drink the lo-carb one to see how it compares to the normal Monster.
Holy shit, it tastes just like the original one.
There's like a weird after taste though.
Kinda like a sparkling water one.
I love Monster. I've drank about 5 cans already.
The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.
I see 6 letters in "the past."
I have 2020 vision.
I see 7 letters in "the future," I have 2021 vision.
My bf: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
My bf: Ice cream.
Me: Ice cream who?
My bf: I scream if you don't let me see that smoking hot body!
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”
Sell PC.
Go to Croatia.
Try to fly to the US to meet female.
US won't let me in.
End up in Norway.
Female leaves me.
Female gets arrested by feds.
Feds read all my messages and see my dick pics.
Just another day in the defib life.
Bf: Do you love me?
Gf: Most of the time.
Bf: Well, it's either yes or no.
Gf:...
Bf: Well, when is it that you don't love me?
Gf: 2:30 to 4:00. Every time when you go to the river an hour, then it takes me a half hour to love you again.
Bf: Why?
Gf: 'Cause you always see that OTHER GIRL.
Bf: MY LOVE! That other girl is my sister!!!
Gf: Ohh...
What do you call a German that is blind? A not-see.
My girl asked me if I had seen a gorilla anywhere. I told her yes, I did see one a minute ago at the Central Park Zoo. He said if you don't behave, he will take you back to the jungle and have your ass abandoned for good.
I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised to see that the news reported a school shooting there. I still don't know who snitched...
Yo daddy so stupid, he went to the HO-tel to see some hoes.
Q: I'm a famous athlete and I've got a lot of fans.
A: Is that why I never see you sweat?