My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
What did the tree say to the wind?
Leaf me alone.
What did the fat man say as he entered Nagasaki?
Nothing, he just exploded.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
I would say a good joke, but all the good ones Argon.
my therapist says with time all wounds can heal.
So I stabbed him. Now we wait.
A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.
A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.
The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”
People in plays say that everyone's life is a drama, but mine's a tragedy.
What does the hare say to the other hare? You look nice with your hare cut!
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.
Sonic says: "If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?"
You can understand depression if you are still in school and get bullied by bullies, punished by teachers, and scolded by parents for being that quiet kid who says nothing.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
(People will then say "r")
Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.
Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."
What does a blind man say when he passes the fish market?...."Hello ladies!"
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip.
Next time I'm at a restaurant, and they ask what I want to drink, I'm going to say "bleach".
Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I want h20." The other said, "I want h20, too." The second scientist died.
Why can't orphans go to sleepovers?
Their parents never say yes.
