Say jokes

My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

What does the hare say to the other hare? You look nice with your hare cut!

Sonic says: "If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?"

You can understand depression if you are still in school and get bullied by bullies, punished by teachers, and scolded by parents for being that quiet kid who says nothing.

People in plays say that everyone's life is a drama, but mine's a tragedy.

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."

What does a blind man say when he passes the fish market?...."Hello ladies!"

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.

Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I want h20." The other said, "I want h20, too." The second scientist died.

Why can't orphans go to sleepovers?

Their parents never say yes.

Next time I'm at a restaurant, and they ask what I want to drink, I'm going to say "bleach".

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

What did everyone say about the crazy unemployed homeless man?

He made no cents.

The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”