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What did Stephen Hawking say when he died?

I'm logging out.

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.

😥This is offensive, sorry: What did the king say to his royal steed? "You gonna start the dishwasher or what?"

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

What did the cowboy say to the girl on the beach?

"Sandy cheeks."

Did you know that people say Michael Jackson only became a pedophile when he was white?

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"

I would say life's a joke, but I can't, because jokes have a meaning.

You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.

Asians love it when a British person says "Rice!"

Q: What did Chris Brown say when he first saw Rhianna?

A: I'd hit that.

What does Michael Jackson and Chef from South Park have in common?

They both say "Hello children!"

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?

"Nice tits, bitch."

What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."

A policeman walks up to a van with two priests and says, "We're looking for two child molesters."

The priests both look at each other for a moment and then say, "Okay, we'll do it."