Say jokes

Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.

What did the wire say to the electrician?

"Stop twisting my nuts!"

I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."

What did the guy with two hands say to the guy with one hand?

"Hi-five!"

Ok, so, a mole goes up to a snail and eats him.

It was a seven course meal if I say so myself.

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?

A: Where's the holy baby?

What did Earth say to the other planets?

"You guys have no life!"

A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? -- "Mumbai!"

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"

A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."

Bro, Asian girls have the weirdest names. I was fucking one and she kept on saying, "I'm Tu Yung."

What did the orphan say to the other orphan?

"Get into the Batmobile, Robin."

They say nothing is impossible, but I've been doing nothing all day.

What did the pot say to the kettle?

"To lick the spoon."

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

"1v1," said Kobe. LeBron James says, "Ok, bet," and bet the money. Bro, ok, let's get it."