Say jokes

They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

You're so ugly that everytime you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."

I'm not saying you're inbred. I'm just saying you're a textbook example of why consanguineous marriage might not be the best idea.

Be careful what you say around Indians, the red dot means they're recording.

Be careful what you say around Indians, the red dot means they're recording.

BTW, I am one, wahahaa!

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

What's the best response to a girl saying, 'What's up?'

'If I tell you, will you sit on it?'

My heart says to stop because it hurts.

Bro, chill. It's really not that deep.

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello on the other side.

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

There was a girl I used to date, only to find out that she used to be a man. You could say, she put me in a trans.

A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"

So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?

Bone-appetit!

Confucius say:

"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day."

A German soldier is walking down the street during a hail storm when a lady suddenly falls over after being hit. He, along with a few others, walk over to her. One man asks, "What happened?" and the soldier replies, "Hail hit her."

I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:

The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"

A pirate walked into a bar with his ship's steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, "Hey! What's with the steering wheel?" The pirate says, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.