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What did the math book say to the other math book?

Wanna hear my problems?

Teacher: What does a pig give you?

Little Johnny: Bacon.

Teacher: Good, what does the sheep give you?

Little Johnny: Wool.

Teacher: What does the fat cow give you?

Little Johnny: Homework and says "leave motherf*cker".

What do you call a woman who says she can do anything a man can do?

Wrong.

What did the little boy say to the fat man?

How many Japs did you get?

Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.

"Moo!" says the second.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."

What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?

"Get off me homes."

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."

The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."

Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

What did one iceberg say to the other iceberg as the Titanic went by?

"I'd smash that."

When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

What did the maxi pad say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."

There were 1 mom and 3 kids. The first kid comes up and asks, "Why is my name Daisy?" The mom says, "Because when you were born a daisy fell on your head." The second kid asks their mom, "Why is my name Butterfly?" The mom says, "Because when you were born a butterfly landed on your head." Then the third kid yells, "Ahjoejienfkef." The mom says, "Shut up, Brick!"