Say jokes

You are playing as Ukraine in Military Tycoon, and then someone kills you. You see who killed you in nuke revenge, and it says "Putinmoserfucer2342."

What did the squirrel say when he chewed some saggy boobs?

Is it just me or do these taste like nuts?

What did an Arab say to feed his kid?

'Here comes the airplane, and here comes the second airplane!'

Your Friend: Bro, I'm having a movie sleepover tonight. I've invited 17 people, wanna come?

You: Yeah, but why so many people?

Your Friend: Because the DVD says only 18+ viewers.

You: Dude!!!!

The best joke: you. O wait, I can't even say that because jokes have meaning.

They say that bad things happen to good people.

So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.

What do you say when Jack's late to sex ed?

"Aye-jack-you-late!"

Say "I hate happiness" without the "hs".

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball, guu?

When you're in the war and you die and say to God, "Where is the gulag?"

What did the eagle say to Obama?

He said: "Joe Mama!"

What did the funny bone say to the skin?

"You're not humerus, I am!"

What are they going to say about Tim Gunn in 20 years?

He kicked the bucket.

Say, "Moommy."

My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."

Today was like every other day. It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary. I fear these feelings will never end. I’ll always feel so dark, feel so hopeless. Sometimes all I want is for it to end. For all of it to end, for all of my thoughts to end. I despise the way that always comes to mind. But I feel so lost, feel so hopeless. If something would just work. But nothing has worked. Nothing can fix this. These feelings will pass. These days won't feel so endless... or so absolutely heavy. Just give it some time. Just give it some hope... and some belief. The ‘happy pills’ will work. The doctor says they'll help... they'll help it go away. Just dump the pill in your hand. Let yourself place the little white thing on your tongue... Let yourself throw your head back and swallow. It'll make this better. It should make me feel better.

Everything has changed! The world is so bright— The world is so loud! I don’t know how I never noticed! The sun is so warm— The grass is so green! I feel so awake! I feel so content— I feel so happy! It’s so strange! I’m not anxious— I’m not overthinking! I guess those pills really worked! I think I’m really getting better— I think I’m really going to be happy!

The president of a company comes in to talk to his employees. He says, "As you know, sales have been way down and many of you are not meeting your quotas. We decided to SHAKE things up a bit and introduce you to our new Vice President: Michael J. Fox."

What did the orphan say to the barber?

I dunno, the orphanage doesn’t pay for haircuts.

Kariana: Dad and mom, what is this bullshit?

Treon: How did you find that?!

Kariana: It was under the cabinet where you told me to put the streamers. I found these under the cabinet, did she have another sister you didn't tell me about? Now tell the truth, or else!

Petina: Now what have we told you about going into things that are not yours!

Kariana: I just told you to say the fricking truth, now who is Faineni? Where is she? Who is she? What is her date of birth? Why do I have her bra under here and why....IS IT UNDER THE FRICKING CABINET!!!!! ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!

Treon: We can't!

Kariana: BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!

A: What did the podiatrist say to the double amputee?

Q: Sorry, but I can't help you.