Say jokes

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

They say people are 75% water.

But I'm 100% useless.

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.

After a minute, a boy stands up.

The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.

The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

Bro, Asian girls have the weirdest names. I was, like, with one, and she kept on saying, "I'm too young."

Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."

When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

If you say to someone, "Have a nice day!" it will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours," they'll be terrified.

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live."

The man says "10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?"

The doctor calmly replies "Nine".

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?

"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."

You tell an orphan joke to an orphan. You start laughing, they start crying. They say they are going to tell their mom. Then you start laughing harder.

A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long." Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."

What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."

I’m not saying you’re going bald, but you’ll find Waldo before you find your hairline.