Say jokes

One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in her butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one black eye,” the wife says, “but what about the other?” The man explains, “I figured she must have liked her dress stuck up in her butt crack, so when she turned around I stuffed it back up there.”

What did the cow say every morning?

Good moorning!

What did Michael Jackson say?

Nothing, he's dead.

So anyway, this old guy goes to the doctors. The doctor says, "It's bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimer's." The old guy replies, "At least I've not got cancer!"

There are 4 people on an airplane, and the pilot has a heart attack and dies. The plane is going down, and there are also only 3 parachutes. So the guy who knows how to cure cancer says, "I’m jumping. I can save many lives." Then the 46th president, Joe Biden, says, "I’m taking the 2nd one." So there is only one left. Donald Trump says to the 7-year-old girl, "I have lived a long life. You can take the next one." So the little girl says, "That’s ok; the 46th president took my backpack." Lol.

Little Johnny walks out to the garage and sees Dad smoking a cigarette. He asks, "Hey Dad, can I have a puff of that cigarette?" Dad asks, "Well, Johnny, can your dick reach your ass?" Little Johnny scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, no, Dad, my dick can't reach my ass." His Dad says, "There's your answer, Johnny..." Little Johnny goes back in the house.

About an hour later, Little Johnny comes back out to the garage and sees his Dad drinking a beer. He asks, "Hey Dad, can I have some of that beer?" Dad asks, "Well, Johnny, can your dick reach your ass?" Little Johnny scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, no, Dad, my dick can't reach my ass." His Dad says, "There's your answer, Johnny..." Little Johnny goes back in the house.

About an hour later, Little Johnny comes back out to the garage with a big plate of Tollhouse Chocolate Chip cookies, fresh from the oven. His Dad says, "Wow, Johnny, those sure look like some good cookies. You think I can have some?" Little Johnny asks his Dad, "Well Dad, can your dick reach your ass?" His Dad scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, yes, Johnny, I do believe my dick can reach my ass." Little Johnny says, "Well, Dad, you can go FUCK yourself, cuz Mom made these cookies for me!!!"

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

"SUPPLIES!"

Some say Stephen Hawking couldn't stand up for himself 😂

I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.

A Chinese wise man once said, "ching chong ling long ting tong," which means, "keep striving in life."

What did the iceberg say to the Titanic?

"Go fuck yourself... at the bottom of the sea."

Best friend *holds a sign up that says "what gender are you?"*

Me: Uh, male?..

Best friend *then unfolds paper so it reads "what gender are you attracted to?"*

Me: You silly goose.

*Silence for like three seconds*

Me: Still male though-

What did one casket say to the other casket?

"Is that you coughin'?"

People say rape is bad. It is because I don't want STD and HIV.

Y'all are so rude on here. If you don't like what I put on MY profile, you can click your rude ass off of my profile and look at some other fucking jokes. DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING RUDE TO SAY ABOUT ME!

Some say under his helmet is another smaller helmet, and under that is another helmet, and under that is a poster of Miley Cyrus.

What did the Chinese man say to his wife?

I'll chin you later.

They say people are 75% water.

But I’m 75% an orphan and 25% useless.

Mary is hanging out, and the angel Gabriel descends behind her. She looks behind her and says, "Jesus Christ!" and the angel Gabriel said, "So you already know."

What did Pluto say to Saturn while barbecuing steaks?

"Mine is meatier than yours."