Say jokes
What did the fish say to the other fish when it got hooked?
"That's what you get for not keeping your mouth shut."
What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture your bedtime.
Joe Biden walks into the White House kitchen.
"Are those brownies I smell?" he asks.
"Indeed, they are," he was told.
"Gee," he says, "they smell nothing like Girl Scouts!"
Whenever you wanna roast an orphan, say "yo mamma".
Q: What did the Iceberg say to the Titanic?
A: I'd hit that.
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest.
What did the American say to the Russian?
"Why are you always Russian?"
What did Saturday say on the day before Friday?
I’m thursty (Thursday).
A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter, and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.
Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."
A man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs. Then he says to his boss, "I can't handle all of this!"
Don't say your life is a joke, because jokes got meaning.
After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."
What is something you can’t say in a superhero movie?
“Is it a bird, is it a plane, well whatever it is, it’s heading straight for the World Trade Center.”
Some say Stephen Hawking was a genius, but I never heard him say anything intelligent.
Okay, I'm on my last nerve when people say "Water Shark Guy" and other things THAT ARE NOT MY NAME.
This is my name: watersharky!
My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.
The teacher was asking some of her students the meanings of words.
"Sally, can you tell me what 'beautiful' means?"
Sally: "You..."
Teacher: "Aww! How nice! But next time, say the actual definition. Now, can someone tell me what 'malicious' means?"
Andrew: "A dangerous person and/or virus."
Teacher: "Great job, Andrew! Now, what does 'fat' mean? Johnny?"
Johnny: "A pig."
Teacher: "Could you tell me the actual defini- "
Johnny: "In other words, the person who last spoke to me!"
What did the Teacher say to the orphan?
"I am calling your parents!"
What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?
"Can you give me some pointers?"
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."