Say jokes
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
What did Bob the police officer say to his chest?
"You're under a vest."
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
What did Stephen Hawking say when he died?
I'm logging out.
A boy walks into some woods with a phone, and his friend comes by and asks, "What are you doing?"
He pauses, then says, "Trying some bird calls!"
Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"
A boy is sitting in a dentist chair getting braces, and a dentist comes in and says, "Brace yourself!"
What did one orphan say to another? Where's your home?
What did the cow say to the sheep?
“Moo!”
What did the sheep say to the cow?
“That was a bad joke!”
What did the chef say to the skeleton?
"Bone appetit!"
What did the baseball player say to the bassist?
Nice baseline!
Q: What did the man say after removing another man's hat? A: He was decapitated.
What did the squash say to the tomato?
Ketchup!
You can say what you want about deaf people...
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
A man says, "I'm flying!" He realizes he was pushed out of a plane.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”