Say jokes
A straight man and a gay man are talking. The straight man says, "I'm wanted in 2 states for murder." and the gay man replies with, "Oh, that sucks. I'm wanted in 13 for existing."
Do you know why the cake doesn't ever fight anyone?
He says, "Take a peace of that!" while entering a fight.
A Catholic school is burning down. One of the priests says, "Save the children, save them!" Another priest says, "F*ck the children, we're gonna die!!" The last priest is like, "Hmmm... do we have time?"
Why did the ocean wave?
It wanted to say "Hi Tide."
Do you know the phrase, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
What did the naked man say to the naked woman?
"Suck my dick."
What did the fox say to the fire?
You look hot!
A pancake and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”
What did the fish say to the beach?
"Long tide, no see!"
What does one emo kid say to the other?
"I like your cuts, G."
What did the orphan say to the adopter?
Nothing, he just stared.
What did the emo guy say to the emo girl?
"Like ur cute g."
They say the polar ice caps are melting, good, because my wife's a fat, cold bitch.
The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day.
He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation.
A woman exclaims that she was robbed. She was reading in the dark, candles were next to her. She says the thief opens her cabin of jewelry and leaves and enters from the window. He left the window open so she feels a drift of wind coming towards her. She turns the lights on and sees what happened.
The candle wax was going down straight. A policeman closes the window and cabin then tells her she's lying just for the cash reward. Why?
Because if the drift of wind came in, the candle wax would be dripping to the side, not straight!
Dog: Woof!
Butcher: Say less.
How do you know when you are dating a cannibal?
You go to the beach, he offers to put suntan oil on you, and the brand name is Wesson.
You are having sex and he says he wants to eat your a$$ and you notice he is holding a knife and fork.
He invites you to his home to use the hot tub and it is heated by a wood fire.
You are having an argument and you say "bite me" and he starts to sharpen his teeth.
A Christian, a Jew, and a Catholic walk into a bar. The Christian says, “Where’s Mohammed?”
But she hasn't tried the position with her new boyfriend, so she invites him to a romantic dinner.
After dinner, she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it, but her boyfriend was clueless about such acts, so she tells him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 position. She starts sucking him off and starts waiting for him to do the same, but the bf didn't know what to do, so he just lay there. Suddenly, the girl had an urge to fart but held it in because her asshole was right near his bf's face. Suddenly, she loses control and lets one out. She apologizes profusely and continues sucking him. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another fart rip near his face. The BF throws the girl from the couch, gets up, and says, "Bitch if you think I'll be lying here for 67 more of those, you're fucking crazy."