Santa jokes
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
Why can’t Santa have kids?
He only cums once a year.
Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Q: Why didn’t Santa eat the milk and cookies you set out for him?
A: He doesn’t exist, you childish sh**!
Why don't Chinese people believe in Santa? Cause they make the toys.
What car do elves drive?
Toy-yodas.
What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.
How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.
How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.
What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"
What is the difference between Bin Laden and Santa? One stops at the top of the skyscraper.
What did Santa say when he got to the club? Ho, ho, ho!
How did Santa feel when he got stuck in the chimney?
Claus-trophobic.
Little Johnny woke up at midnight on Christmas Eve to Santa with his pants down on top of his mom. He then said, "Ho ho OH YEAH!!!"
Me: Sister, stop stealing my stuff or I will make you feel bad.
Sister: No, I won't stop.
Me: Fine, I'm telling the world what you did.
Sister: What? You will see when I post it.
Sister: WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I PEED ON SANTA CLAUS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD?
Me: BECAUSE YOU DON ́T HAVE A LIFE.
It was Christmas time for Little Johnny. He was going to make some cookies and milk for Santa until he heard shaking and moaning from his mother's bedroom.
He thinks, "Meh, Dad's probably back from the grocery store."
But 2 seconds later, he heard a "Ho Ho Ho Oh YEAH!" and then a slap. He opens the door. He finds Santa riding on his 19-year-old mom. He asks, "Santa, when did you get here and WHAT are you doing?"
Santa replied, "Your mother asked for her 'milk jar' to be filled, and that's what I am doing."
Johnny says, "Oh. But, Mom, you told me Dad was here, well where is he?"
(Santa winks at you)
Why is Santa so happy? He knows where all the naughty girls and ho ho hos live.
What did Santa use as a candy cane?
Wait, wait, I said it wrong.
Okay.
What did Santa use to do his garden...never mind.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
Why is Santa so fat?
He only comes once a year.
Why can't orphans have a Christmas list? Because they can't give it to their parents to tell Santa.
Christmas special
Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.