Run Jokes

Q: How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?

A: He gave her a ring.

Q: What’s the most popular video game at the bread bakery?

A: Knead for Speed.

Q: Why is Santa good at karate?

A: He has a black belt.

Q: Where do werewolves buy Christmas gifts?

A: Beast Buy.

Q: What did the snowflake say to the road?

A: Let’s stick together.

Q: Why did the turkey join a band?

A: So he could use his drumsticks.

Q: What’s a math teacher’s favorite winter sport?

A: Figure skating.

Q: Where do werewolves buy Christmas gifts?

A: Beast Buy.

Q: What did the snowflake say to the road?

A: Let’s stick together.

Q: Why did the turkey join a band?

A: So he could use his drumsticks.

Q: What’s a math teacher’s favorite winter sport?

A: Figure skating.

Q: What’s a firefly’s favorite dance?

A: The glitterbug.

Q: Why are eyeshadow, lipstick, and mascara never mad at each other?

A: Because they always make-up.

Q: Where do roses sleep at night?

A: In their flowerbed.

Q: Why was the shoe bad at gymnastics?

A: She was a flip-flop.

Q: What should you wear to a tea party?

A: A t-shirt.

Q: What’s rain’s favorite accessory?

A: A rainbow.

Q: Where does a sink go dancing?

A: The Dish-co.

Q: What’s a princess’s favorite time?

A: Knight time.

Q: Why did the Genie get mad?

A: Because he was rubbed the wrong way.

Q: What’s a ballerina’s favorite type of bread?

A: A bun.

Q: What kind of dance was the frog prince best at?

A: Hip hop.

Q: What do bunnies like to do at the mall?

A: Shop ‘til they hop.

Q: How did the beauty school student do on her manicure test?

A: She nailed it.

Q: What is corn’s favorite music?

A: Pop.

Q: Why can’t Monday lift Saturday?

A: It’s a weak day.

Q: Why was the politician out of breath?

A: He was running for office.

Q: What is a soccer player’s favorite chemical element?

A: Goooooooooooold!

Q: Why did the fastest cat in class get kicked out of school?

A: He was a cheetah.

Q: Which state has the greatest number of jokes?

A: Pennsylvania.

Q: Where is the best place to sit when a submarine is diving?

A: Inside.

Q: Why did the lawyer show up in court in his underwear?

A: He forgot his lawsuit.

Q: Why was the teenager no longer allowed online without a license?

A: He crashed the computer.

Q: What’s a ball that you don’t throw, shoot, eat, spit, bounce, or catch?

A: An eyeball.

Q: What do turtles, eggs, and beaches all have?

A: Shells.

Q: What time of year do people get injured the most?

A: In the fall.

Q: Why did the quarterback take the hardest classes?

A: Because he knew he would pass.

Q: Why did the musician throw away her table?

A: Because it was flat.

Q: Why didn’t the farmer's son study medicine?

A: Because he wanted to go into a different field.

Q: What is the math teacher’s favorite dessert?

A: Pi.

Q: Why was the princess in the emergency room?

The moment came. The starter dropped his red flag. "They're away!"

Not for one second did Agba need to hunt for Lath in that flying stream of horseflesh. He did not even look for the scarlet and white stripes of the jockey's body-coat. His eyes were fixed on the littlest horse, the littlest horse that got away to a bad start!

The field was far out in front. The big horses were whipping down the steep slope to Devil's Dyke, skimming along the running gap, leaping up the opposite bank and across a long flat stretch. They were beginning to bunch, making narrow gaps. Lath was coming up from behind. He began filling in the gaps. He went through them. He was a blob of watercolor, trickling along the green turf between the other colors.

For a brief second the horses were hidden by a clump of hawthorn trees. Agba's knees tightened. He felt Sham quiver beneath him, saw white flecks of sweat come out on his neck. It was well the grooms were there to hold them both!

The horses were coming around the trees now. The golden blob was still flowing between the other colors. It was flowing beyond them, flowing free!

In full stride, Lath was galloping down the dip and up the rise to the ending post. He was flying past it, leaving the "lusty" horses behind.

"The little horse wins!"

"Lath, an easy winner!"

"Lath, son of Godolphin Arabian, wins!"

People of all ages and all ranks clapped their hands and cheered in wild notes of triumph.

Agba never knew how he and Sham reached the royal stand. But suddenly, there they were. And the Earl of Godolphin was there, too.

"I am pleased to give," Queen Caroline was saying in her sincere, straightforward manner, "I am pleased to give and bestow upon the Earl of Godolphin, the Queen's Plate."

Everyone could see it was not a plate that she held in her hands at all. It was a purse. But only Agba and the Earl knew how much that purse would mean to the future of the horse in England. The Earl looked right between the plumes in the Queen's bonnet and found Agba's eyes for an instant. Then he fell to his knees and kissed the Queen's hand.

A hush fell over the heath. The Queen's words pinged sharp and clear, like the pearls that suddenly broke from her necklace and fell upon the floor of the stand. No one stooped to recover them, for the Queen was speaking.

"And what," she asked, as she fixed one of her own purple plumes in Sham's headstall, "what is the pedigree of this proud sire of three winning horses?"

Agba leaned forward in his saddle.

There was a pause while the Earl found the right words. "Your Majesty," he spoke slowly, thoughtfully, "his pedigree has been...has been lost. But perhaps it was so intended. His pedigree is written in his sons."

How the country people cheered! An unknown stallion wearing the royal purple! It was a fairy tale come true.

The princesses clapped their hands, too. Even the King seemed pleased. He puffed out his chest and nodded to the Queen that the answer was good.

Agba swallowed. He felt a tear begin to trickle down his cheek. Quickly, before anyone noticed, he raised his hand to brush it away. His hand stopped. Why, he was growing a beard! He was a man! Suddenly his mind flew back to Morocco. My name is Agba. Ba means father. I will be a father to you, Sham, and when I am grown I will ride you before the multitudes. And they will bow before you, and you will be King of the Wind. I promise it.

He had kept his word!

For the first time in his life, he was glad he could not talk. Words would have spoiled everything. They were shells that cracked and blew away in the wind. He and Sham were alike. That was why they understood each other so deeply.

The Godolphin Arabian stood very still, his regal head lifted. An east wind was rising. He stretched out his nostrils to gather in the scent. It was laden with the fragrance of wind-flowers. Of what was he thinking? Was he re-running the race of Lath? Was he rejoicing in the royal purple? Was he drawing a wood cart in the streets of Paris? Or just winging across the grassy downs in...

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.

I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

What does a perverted frog say? "Rubbit."

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.

How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

Let's play carpenter! First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.

What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off.

What did the leper say to the sex worker? "Keep the tip."

What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam.

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers.

What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas.

Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes.

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

What did one butt cheek say to the other? "Together, we can stop this crap."

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.

I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and left. Right.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.

I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.