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Trump's medical records were just released. According to the brain scan, the left side of his brain has nothing right, while the right side has nothing left.

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    • Me: *gives her 5 dollars* Climb that flag pole. Cute female: *takes the money and goes up the flag pole* Is this good? Me: Hell yeah, that's a nice view.

    *Next day* Here's 10 dollars if you do it again. *She goes up there* Me: How's the view? *She goes home and her mom sees the money* Her mom: Where you getting this money? Her daughter: I climbed a flagpole. Her mom: You know he just wants you to see your panties, right? *She goes back and does it again but doesn't wear panties* Me: Holy shit ;-; Her mom: Did you do it again? Her daughter: Don't worry, Mom, he didn't get to see my panties. Her mom:...

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    • Grandma: calls You: Hello Grandma, what are you doing? Why, you can't mean I'm right in the house right now? Grandma: I didn't mean to call you, bye.

    Puerto Rican teen: I'm a waste, a failure, NUNCA LO PODRA ASER (I'll never be able to do it).

    The mother: AI NINO (OH CHILD).

    The teen: QUE? (WHAT?)

    The mother: NO TE PONGA CON ESTA MIELDA OTRAVES! (DON'T START WITH THIS SHIT AGAIN!)

    The teen: I CAN'T DO SHIT RIGHT MAMA!

    The mother: OOOHHH YEAH WELL TU SI PUEDES ABLAR MIELDA DE TI, I BOTAR BASURA! (YOU SURE CAN TALK CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF AND THROW OUT THE TRASH.)

    The teen: QUAL (WHICH).

    The mother: MADRE DE DIOS (MOTHER OF GOD).

    The teen: AVIA UNA NEGRA I OTRA BLANKA (THERE WAS A BLACK ONE AND WHITE ONE).

    *A phone buzzes.*

    The teen: Whose phone is that, ma?

    Unknown: MR. PRESIDENT IF YOU TAKE AWAY THE CONFEDERATE FLAG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THE BAD WHITE PEOPLE ARE?

    *Runs to bag, opens white one and sticks hand in.*

    The teen: HAIR GEL

    I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

    I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

    I’m reading a book on antigravity right now.

    It’s impossible to put down.

    Why was 6 afraid of 7? Cuz 7 8 9, right?

    No. It's because 7 was a repeated 6 offender.

    So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.

    What does a kid and wine have in common?

    Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

  • 0

    • I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.