i called the suicide hotline and he suggested i drew on myself to distract myself. i replied id get ink poisoning
wouldnt recommend the police came
i was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled " do you know CPR?" i replied "i know the entire alphabet!" we all laughed and laughed, well. except one person
I once saw an orphan... Decided to ask them a simple question... "Hey! Where is your family?"...... They didn't reply.... I kept asking them.... They started crying.... I started laughing.... They ran away.....
Hope the towers in the morning and get back to you!
Little Sally found out that she had hair on her private area and whent up to her mom and asked "mom I have hair on my privates,what is it?" "OH honey thats your monkey." The mom says So little Sally runs up to her big sister and says "my monkey has hair on it" so the sister replies with a laugh "you think thats cool my monkey is already eating bananas
One day little Jonnys is in class it is the second day back to school. The teacher is annoyed with the kids so she goes to the front of the class and says, "If you think you are stupid stand up." lIttle Jonny stood up. The teacher asked him why do you think you're stupid. Little Jonny said I don't think I am stupid. Then the teacher asked little Jonny why he stood up. Then little Jonny replied I just felt bad seeing you standing here alone.
Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"
The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."
the circular saw asked the chainsaw,"When am I as big as you?" the chainsaw would answer with,"When you cut down some things in your life. Like your owner." the circular saw would reply with,"What?"
A girl asked her mom why is my name Walmart.her dad replied and said because that’s where u were made
I asked my nan if she wouldnt mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping, she replied why the fuck would i want to sit in a bucket, so eventually she did and i took the best shit i have ever had
A blind woman told her husband someone is coming ,he asks how do know you cant see .she replies ,i can taste it.
A man sits in a bar and get seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics. The bartender asked, "What's wrong sir?" The man reply's, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me." The bartender says, " put 20$ in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash." So the man walks out the with 20$ he put in his shirt pocket. The next day the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?" The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me 20$ bucks for the wash." The wife pull out the money. "There is 40$-", says the wife. "Oh, he also peed on me he paid for the wash to." The man walks away in belif he didn't get caught by his wife.
The bell rings and Ana was about to leave but the teacher said "the bell doesn't dismiss you I do" the next day Ana was late and the teacher asked "why are you late " and Ana replied with "the bell doesn't tell me when I should arrive I do"
A train walks into a bar. It says to the barkeeper, "I'll have a gallon of ale." "A gallon?" the barkeeper asks. "Yes," replies the train, "I always end up chugging it."
A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
a man died and went to heaven. here he met jesus. there were two clocks, the man asked whats with the clocks?. jesus answered this is mother theresa's clock she has not lied so the clock hasnt moved, this is abraham lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice so its moved twice. where's donald trumps the man asked. jesus replied: its in my office im using it as a ceiling fan.
A guy is at his locker and a girl comes and says hey i love you and the he says ok cool she then replies and says well what do you think about are love he says count the stars and then she says oh infinity and he replies with nope its just a waste of time
Thomas Montgomery would eat his fillet of fish in bed every night. He had fillet of fish bedding and everything. His roommates always asked him, why are you eating your fillet of fish in bed. He wouldn't reply. His family took him to the best psychologist in the field. Thomas continued emptying his bank account on fillet of fish to eat in bed. His friend said one day , took a picture of Thomas and told him to say cheese. They laughed and went there separate ways. Then in bed that night , Thomas kept on thinking to himself I never said cheese before someone snapt my picture. He repeated it again. The next day he thanked his friend fillet in him feel better.
Rachel won the lottery twice in two years. Her friend Jim called her every day asking for tips on winning just the same. Then one day, simply to get rid of him Rachel said. Watch two martial arts movies , eat three pieces of hard beef jerky, and pick a fight at a bar. Jim replied with a shocked look, that's what I do after Mr tugman shakes my hand to long.
An old man gets the call from the IRS The man on the phone says, “we’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.
The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office and the man there says,”So we’ve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?” The man replies,”Well, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.” The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says,”Wait. I’ll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.” The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn’t blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says,”alright last chance. I bet you 50,000 i can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.” The agent thinks real hard but decides it’s impossible so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agents desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, “haha! I got you now!” But the mans lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands and says,”He bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you’d just love it!”
