Repair jokes

Why don’t orphans work as computer repair technicians? Because they can’t find the motherboard.

I'm like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside.

When Bob the Builder looks at your hairline, he says, "We can't fix that."

What is burned dark and glued to the wall?

A bad electrician.

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her pussy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"

Why are most absent dads mechanics?

They like to nut and bolt.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

Hit your wife harder.

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.

What does a broken down vegetable say?

I need new wheels.

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

What’s the difference between women and cars?

At least cars retain some of their value after getting wrecked.

How do I fix a broken light bulb? I don't. I simply blow up the house.

Q: What do you use on your tuba when it breaks?

A: Tuba-glue.

Bob the builder took one look at you and said, "Nah, I can’t fix that!"

The Twin Towers are like crippled legs; once they break, they can’t be fixed.

How do you make a dishwasher work again?

Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"

An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."

The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"