Repair jokes
An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."
The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"
I raped a disabled child.
I think she's too far gone to repair now.
How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.
Why didn't they just switch him on and off again, or switch his batteries?
Where do you take Stephen Hawking when he dies?
The Apple repair store.
Memes
We have some leak in the fridge. I'm surprised nobody has called a plumber.
How many orphans does it take to repair a house? None, they don't have one.
My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower. Thanks, Phil!
Throw a plate.
It’s broken, right?
Say “sorry” to it.
Did it fix back?
No... that’s the same thing you did to me :)
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
Why did the rapper go to the auto shop?
To get his RHYMES in TUNE.
What do you call a duck that can fix anything? Duck tape.
Your cut [is] so broke, even Bob the Builder can't fix it.
Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.
Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!
How do you fix a broken gorilla?
With a monkey wrench.
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- The doorbell repairer.
My jacket tore a little bit. It's a ripper.