Repair jokes

What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.

What kind of fruit can fix your sink?

A plum-ber.

How do you make a dishwasher work again?

Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

What’s the difference between women and cars?

At least cars retain some of their value after getting wrecked.

Why did the rapper go to the auto shop?

To get his RHYMES in TUNE.

The Twin Towers are like crippled legs; once they break, they can’t be fixed.

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.

Why are most absent dads mechanics?

They like to nut and bolt.

Your cut [is] so broke, even Bob the Builder can't fix it.

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

How do I fix a broken light bulb? I don't. I simply blow up the house.

Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!

Q: What do you use on your tuba when it breaks?

A: Tuba-glue.

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her pussy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!

When Bob the Builder looks at your hairline, he says, "We can't fix that."

How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.