How do you make a dishwasher work again? Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”
What’s the difference between women and cars?
At least cars retain some of their value after getting wrecked.
Why did the rapper go to the auto shop?
To get his RHYMES in TUNE
The twin towers are like crippled legs once they break they can’t be fixed
I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.
Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.
So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"
How do I fix a broken light bulb? I don't. I simply blow up the house.
Flex tape can fix a sawed in half boat. Then how the fuck can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? tell me.
Q: What do you use on your tuba when it breaks?
A: Tuba-glue.
Friend: I broke up with Sara.
Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.
Friend: How did her pussy feel?
Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.
Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!
When Bob the Builder looks at your hairline, he says, "We can't fix that."
How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.
What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"
How many orphans does it take to repair a house. None, they don't have one
I raped a disabled child.
I think she's too far gone to repair now.
An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."
The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"
