Religion jokes

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

Which company likes Jesus the most?

IHS Markit!

What is an angel's favorite kind of tortilla chip dip?

GuacaHOLY!

What did the teacher say to the fat Turkish kid that always ate in his class?

"You could do with Ramadan lasting all year, couldn't you?"

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

Imagine if you were an Arabic person shopping at Walmart with your son.

Now imagine he got lost and you had to start calling out his name.

...Now imagine his name is "Allahu Akbar."

The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"

What's the difference between acne and the Pope?

Acne waits till you're 13 to cum on your face.

Men and women are not equal, speaking biologically and mentally. I don't care what other feminists say. Men are naturally physically stronger, while women are more mentally stable (sometimes). The internet and the media will lie. You feminists say that you are stronger. Well, you wish. You can't hit a girl because she is more sensitive, but she says she is stronger. Like, what the hell?

We're not sexist men; you're sexist women. And BTW, you'll rot in hell for hating God's creation. And also, men were created before women. Search it up in the Bible or online.

Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.

Jesus tried solving the Rubik's cube,

but died on the cross.

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck her hahaha 🤣

People in 1 Ad: I bet we will have the best technology ever in 2023.

2023: GO BACK NOW! THERE'S 50 THOUSAND GENDERS, DUMB GEN Z, TIK TOK, WE NEED JESUS!

My friend: What are you doing?

Me: I'm making holy water.

My friend: How?

Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress up as the altar boy.

What do you call a Muslim with Tourette’s? A ticcing time bomb.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture? You need only one nail to hang a picture.

They say Jesus walked on water.

That's nothing. Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.

Why do I look nervous when I enter the church? Is it just because I'm the only one with the bomb?