Religion jokes
A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
How did Jesus like his chicken?
Crucifried.
"A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog."
Jesus is fake,
He hides from himself.
Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?
I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday.
God being a sniper is so fun!
And Mary said God had given her a child, so Joseph went and joined Fathers For Justice.
How do you kill a Hindu? PRESS THE RED BUTTON.
An LDS preacher knocks on the door with a chalice of wine offering to do the sacrament.
The person living there points and says, "Begone, foul blood-drinker!"
And promptly the preacher bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash.
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Jesus.
What is Jesus's favorite exercise? Cross fit.
Why did God invent yeast infections? So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.
Why did he die?
Because God made a mistake and pressed Ctrl+Z.
Why do orphans go to church?
Why?
To finally call someone "father."
Yo mama is so fat and old, when Jesus said "Let there be Light!" he told your mama to move out of the way!
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Do not start that shit again!"
A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"
When they said sin was ugly to look at, I didn't know God would use you as an example.