I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."
I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"
A priest, a rapist, a pedophile, and a homosexual walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.
What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? -- A pimp.
What do you call an atheist bone? -- A blasfemur.
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth-theist.
What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.
Where did Noah keep his bees? -- In the ark hives.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
Yo mama so fat, she got baptized at SeaWorld.
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.
What is Jesus' favorite gun?
A nail gun.
