New Religion Jokes - Page 56 - Worst Jokes Ever

What did the cow say to his relatives on Christmas day?

Moorry Christmas!

(Even though cows can't really have religions.)

Why did Steven Hawking's snot not go to heaven?

Because there is no ramp to heaven.

Jesus told me if I believed I would live for eternity. I believed, but at 97 I died...

I think Jesus is broken.

Science gets you to the moon.

Religion flies you into buildings.

What is different about priests and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to cum on your face.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are through the roof!

I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.

She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.

Religion

What does the Bible stand for?

Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

How does Moses make his tea?

He Brews!!!

My mom said to let Jesus come inside me; now I can't sit down.

A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."

Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."

Jesus walked, so Mohammad can fly.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile? There isn't a difference.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

Now, how about that drink?