Religion jokes
Stephen Hawking only went to hell because he couldn't get up the stairway to heaven.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.
Muslims don't need weed, they've got the Koran.
You burn that sh*t and you're gonna get stoned.
Why does God hate me?
Because I'm a gay minority who fights for women's rights.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"
What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits till you’re 13 to come on your face.
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street, and they come to a kid playing in a sandbox. The priest says, "Hey, you wanna go screw that kid?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Out of what?"
Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.
What pants do you wear to church? Hole-y ones.
I love Muslims, they are great at parties!
They have the best fireworks.
A guy walks into a mosque... then blows up.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
Why is Lani Jesus? Go die.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it, and she replied, "It's a bad habit."
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits until a kid is a teenager to come on its face.
What's the difference between Jesus and the baby in my basement?
Jesus died a virgin.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.
“Correct again,” says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”
[God creating Asians] “Alright, and the design is finished, see our new model, the Asian. It has no hair at all.”
Angel asks, “Does it eat normal food?”
God replies, “(chuckling) Oh no, not at all.”
God: “Stephen, join us!”
*sees the staircase to heaven.*
Stephen: “Shit!”