Religion jokes
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal; its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Whats the difference between NASA and religion
NASA takes you through space Religion takes you through two towers
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? One cuts them off and one sucks them off.
God said, "Let there be light," and it was lit!
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
Q. Why can't Stephen Hawking go to Heaven?
A. He can't get his wheelchair up the stairs.
What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Stephen Hawking said there is no God.
2018 God said there is no Stephen Hawking.
I don't know if this is a joke or a question, but:
If killing yourself sends you to hell, where does sitting in the waiting room get you?
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, he got nailed before he died!
What movie do atheists watch for Christmas?
"Coincidence on 34th Street."
Stephen Hawking only went to hell because he couldn't get up the stairway to heaven.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.
Muslims don't need weed, they've got the Koran.
You burn that sh*t and you're gonna get stoned.
Why does God hate me?
Because I'm a gay minority who fights for women's rights.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"
What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits till you’re 13 to come on your face.
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street, and they come to a kid playing in a sandbox. The priest says, "Hey, you wanna go screw that kid?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Out of what?"