Religion jokes
What do you get when you cross a Muslim in a trench coat and a duffel bag?
A sad news story.
I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.
What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.
God took away Stephen Hawking's privileges.
What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage?
"Let us prey together."
God created everyone unique till he got to Asia, then it just went to copy paste, copy paste.
How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?
One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.
God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.
Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.
God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.
Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!
God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)
Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)
God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!
God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........
God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.
Who would win?
The laws of the Catholic Church which have been effective for over 900 years,
Or one horny Henry?
I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”
What's the similarity between Catholic Priests and McDonalds? They both like sticking their meat in 6-year-old buns.
What do you call a burning church?
Holy smokes.
What do Catholic priests and JCPenny's have in common?
Little boys' pants half off.
Why is the elephant headed God the true God?
Because he doesn't exist!
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a pedophile?
One is Catholic.
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."
Religion... That is all.
Premise 1: IF God exists, he exists.
Premise 2: If God exists, he exists.
Premise 3: IF God exists, he definitely exists.
Conclusion: Therefore he exists.
What did Allah say when he created the universe?
-Allahu akbar!!!
What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?
A: Where's the holy baby?