Relationship jokes

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and sick his dick.

My friend dared me to steal my other friend's watch. I tried, but failed. He really got me, dare.

My d*ck is hard, what's your name?

Just 'cause I have a big penis doesn't mean I can't have sex.

My wife is not only gone like gonorrhea, she is also gone because of my (and now her) gonorrhea.

Your mom is so fat that she broke your crush!

The QUEEN is JACK! KING off the JOKER!

I know what you're thinking, pervert. Actually, the joke's about a jester in drag.

OK, I'm joking, the Queen cheated on the King with the Jester.

You walk into your grandma's room and you see her naked and she says "Come here grandson." What would you do?

I asked my mom to make me a brat. She was sleepy but I said do it anyway. My mom and my dad had fucked last night so he was on the couch but naked. She took a knife and sliced his dick, then put it on a bun, then ketchup and mustard. I said this tasted funny. She was snoring, then I threw it and said, "EW IS THIS A DICK WHAT THE FUCK AHHH!!!!?!?!!!!"

Ever since that day, they haven't fucked again because he ain't got nun to fuck with.

I just had a birthday party last week at my crib. I invited two fine, beautiful looking women. One was skinny and her name was Kelly, and the other one was overweight and her name was Chiquita.

Both of them came by. I told Chiquita only Kelly can stay and enjoy my birthday. You can't, you're too fat and clumsy, and I don't have any food or drinks for you, so see ya later, nutty professor.

My penis is too big for my dad to suck it, so my mum sucks it instead.

Sex.

O Dario tem namorada?

What's the difference between a mother and a pigeon?

One doesn't eat their husband out.

What's Stephen Hawking's wife called? Wendy.

My woman told me that she wants to have sex with me, and I said, "Let's go at it." She said, "Shut up and kiss me on all my pillows."

How did number 1 kindly make number 2?

I got my was kicked, let's be friends?

Wife: I want to deep throat your dick.

Husband: let’s do this.

Wife: April foogjhmgkjgyukgyukfygkutkutkygfku5t!

Why do people have sex? Because they're dumb.

Hi, I'm new here and I'm 11. I'm just bored and want a girlfriend.

Does anyone have Snapchat or Twitter? I can show you what I look like ;)