Relationship jokes
I had sex with my boss's daughter.
I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.
Son: Dad, Dad, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!
Dad: What's wrong? Are you OK?!
Son: Mia asked me out on a date on February 30th!
Dad: 'Cause there's no February 30th?
O Dario tem namorada?
I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Why do men give cold women their jackets?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!
Papa: Johnny, Johnny.
Johnny: Yes, Papa?
Papa: Open wide.
Johnny: HAHAHA.
Papa: *unzips pants*
Johnny: *crying* No, Papa!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
Are you an orphanage?
Why?
Because I wanna put my kids in you.
My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"
I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.
Two old Indian ladies out picking potatoes, one lady stops, staring at this huge potato, turning it round and round.
The other old lady says to her, "What are you doing?" She says, "These potatoes remind me of my husband's nuts."
She says, "Oh my, are they really that big?" She said, "No, they're that dirty. lololol"
Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?
Only the wife was hung up.
How do you know when you should tell a heterosexual woman to stop sucking your dick?
When there is blood coming out of your dick instead of sperm.
Gf: "You are a drug."
Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"
Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."
My boyfriend recently asked me to suck his cock. I was kinda nervous because I’ve never tasted a dick, but he said it doesn’t taste that bad, so I’ll give it a shot.
One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.
Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.
Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.
I can't sit down anymore... My dad went too far this time.