Relationship jokes
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wipe his ass.
Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?
Because they had a connection.
I always enjoy family reunions.
It's always a good time meeting up with my exes.
What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.
What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?
Reload... chhchhhh.
When Stephen Hawking was asked why he was instantly attracted to his new girlfriend, he said, "It's simple, she pushes all the right buttons."
I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’
I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’
Son: Hey, Dad, why is my name Dick?
Dad: Oh, because a dick fell on you when you were born.
Son: Ohhhhh, so that's why I'm gay.
Why did my dad leave me? Because I was a disappointment.
My chance of finding love.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."
His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "I was talking to the sheep."
A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
What do you call the worst joke ever?
Well, according to my mom, I am.
Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.
What does Stephen King call his wife...
The black hole.
Once upon a time, fraternal twins, brother and sister, with almost 100% equal DNA were separated at birth. At the age of 42, they were married, had 2 sons and 2 daughters. They took an ancestryDNA test, and the results were scientifically sexually shocking.
I broke up with my ex girlfriend. Here's her number.
Sike, that's the wrong number!
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