Relationship jokes

Why is my dick like a balloon? The more you blow it, the bigger it gets.

My girlfriend said, "GIMME EIGHT INCHES AND MAKE IT HURT!"

So I pumped my dick in her 4 times and hit her in the head with a brick.

Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.

I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?

Men should pay for the first date, that’s why it’s called a (men)u.

Then women should do the dishes, that’s why they call it a dish wash(her).

Gf: Hi.

Bf: Hi.

Gf: Did you eat yet?

Bf: Did you eat yet?

Gf: Are you copying me?

Bf: Are you coping me??

Gf: I love you.

Bf: Yeah, I ate already.

My wife left me yesterday.

I haven't talked to the kids in a year.

When you tell your friend he’s a simp and isn’t offended, say it stands for sucking intensely at monkeys' penises.

What's the difference between a blonde and your computer?

You don't want your computer to go down on you.

Husband: "I think I might take a picture of your breasts and frame it."

Wife: "I think I'll take a picture of your penis and enlarge it."

I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.

As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

Why do orphan girls love pedophiles? Because they get to call someone “Daddy”!

"Jack and Jill run up the hill to have sex but in a text a sibling sayed I’m on a hill sleeping with a mex. foursome peace love and biches."

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?

When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.

FRIEND: Hey, want to come to my house?

LONELY ORPHAN/TRUMP: Want to come to my orphange?

FRIEND: Dude, I'm blocking you!

LONELY ORPHAN: :(

A couple has sex in the dark every single night.

One night, the wife gets curious about what goes on, so they start f...ing, and she flicks the light on. When she flicks the light on, she catches him with a dildo playing with her pussy. She's so mad that she started ranting and raving. The husband says, "Honey, I know you're mad, and I'll explain the toy. Just do me one favor: explain the children."

Here is a good joke: asking for consent before sex.

Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?”

Wife: “ok... what is it?”

Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now.”