Relationship jokes

What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?

It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!

Your mom gay, Evan.

Mom hot.

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

Daddy, harder!

What goes in and takes a while to come out?

What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

Why can't orphans have sex?

Because they have no one to call "daddy."

I remember my mom's last words before her divorce, "Did you just load in me?"

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.

(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

Son: Dad, can I get a girlfriend?

Dad: Son, no, you are only 10, so no.

Son: Dad, I'm leaving to get a girlfriend.

Dad: Son, nooo, you are not my son!

Son: What did you say? *Son slaps the dad.*

Dad: Good, son, goodbye, get out of my home.

Son: Good, you can go move to a new home.

Teacher: Can someone tell me the only living thing that can reproduce without sex?

Little Johnny: "Your wife."

A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

My name, my address, and my phone number.

What's the difference between you, your uncle, and your dad?

One didn't go in the closet.

Why do a woman like to have sex with the lights off?

They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

My brother thinks he's cool when he just SMELLS.

Funny things or weird things to say to someone.

Hey... have you kissed a girl before? Weird things to say to someone.

It's hard to find friends that [are] 91% funny, 100% nice, and 1000000% good-looking. Funny!

Weird names to call a girl: Sweetums.

Baby-Bugga-Boo.

Fuzzkins.

Lumpy.

Nilly.

Ninty Minty.

and SEXY WITCH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Gross that's why I am not getting a bf!

Mate, my wife Susan has kicked me out again, anyone got a lift?

My mum told me to take out the trash, but I couldn’t find you.