Relationship jokes
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
"You have to do this," and my sister said, "Well, I don't care."
And I said, "Well, you care enough to respond back, oh my gosh!"
A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"
The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."
The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."
I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome.
I want my first time to be special.
Why don’t old people have sex?
When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?
Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.
Parents: Let's have a bonfire.
Me: Let's go to the orphanage.
Parents: To bring other children?
Me: No, to have the fire.
Parents: Won't they be missed?
Me: No, because there is nobody to miss them.
What do you call an orphan's family photo?
A selfie.
What does an orphan call a family picture?
"A selfie."
What does a robot do after a one night stand?
He nuts 'n bolts!
FRIEND: Hey, want to come to my house?
LONELY ORPHAN/TRUMP: Want to come to my orphange?
FRIEND: Dude, I'm blocking you!
LONELY ORPHAN: :(
1. What do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese.
2. Knock, knock. Who's there? Ash. Ash who? Achoo!
3. How does the ocean say hello? He waves.
4. Why can't Elsa have a balloon? Because she will let it go.
5. What do you call your enemy? You don't call it at all.
What’s the difference between a mother and a girlfriend?
A girlfriend likes a bad boy.
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.
I was at my boyfriend's house, and I thought he was cheating on me. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said he'd be over there soon. So I asked him if I could see his phone. He said no, and then we fought about it until I saw his gun, and because I thought he was lying to me, I shot him, went through his phone, and his friend was still on the phone.
Why can't orphans have sex?
Because they have no one to call "daddy."
I'm really bored and I don't know what's up with Prince. He isn't talking to me.
And Freshfry, why are you so mean now?
Here's how to piss off all of North America. All the United States is, is South Canadia.
Guy: Are you gay? I'm orphan.