What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
Relationship Jokes
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
A couple is on their first date.
Man: How do you feel about sex?
Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Kid #1: You're adopted.
Kid #2: At least they wanted me.
Kid #1: Did your real parents want you?
I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.
I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."
One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
Grandma: Most people your age have a family and are married. Why aren’t you?
Grandchild: Most your age are dead. Why aren’t you?
How do you know you’re ugly?
If you always get handed the camera for group photos.
I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.
What’s worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.
Why is my sister horny? It's because she loves my dick.
What is the difference between a woman and ice? The ice always comes back.
You’re so ugly, I can see why your dad left now.
What’s the difference between cancer and my brother?
My brother didn’t beat cancer.
I turned the light on, and my dad said turn it off, so I unplugged his life support.
When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
At what point does a joke become a dad joke?
When it disappears and never returns home.
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
