Why is my sister horny? It's because she loves my dick.
What is the difference between a woman and ice? The ice always comes back.
You’re so ugly, I can see why your dad left now.
What’s the difference between cancer and my brother?
My brother didn’t beat cancer.
I turned the light on, and my dad said turn it off, so I unplugged his life support.
When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.
Her: I am scared!
Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.
My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.
I called my guy friend a cock-sucker the other day. He replied with, "Hey, 20 bucks is 20 bucks."
Said the man angered to his wife:
"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"
What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?
"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."
I told a girl she was cute, and she said, "Aw, tysm."
How does she know I have that?
Men should pay for the first date, that’s why it’s called a (men)u.
Then women should do the dishes, that’s why they call it a dish wash(her).
As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.
I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.
As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already done told her twice.
After having a win at bingo, Ethel splashed out on some venison for tea.
During the meal, her daughter asked her mum what it was, to which she replied with a little smile... "It's what I call your father."
Little Jimmy threw down his knife and fork and jumped up sayin', "Oh My God! Don't eat it!!! It's a fucking Dick!"
