A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.
His wife was up waiting for him.
"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.
He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.
The highest level of trust in the world is when two cannibals are each giving each other blowjobs.
I wish death was in the form of a woman.
That way, it would never come for me.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
How did the Emo ask the other Emo out?
"Wanna hang together?"
Who am I rooting for during the Super Bowl? Easy. Taylor Swift.
What do sex and food have in common?
Grandma makes both better.
My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.
Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."
Feeling stressed? Have a nice cup of tea and spill it in the lab of the person bothering you.
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?
Yo mama is such a slut, she could get slapped by a pack of hot dogs and get pregnant.
In what city do you always lose your mum? Mumbai.
Random couple after their first night:
Husband: It was very tasty. 🥵
Wife: Aww, thanks.
Husband: Does anyone had taste it before?
Wife: ☠️
I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"
Mum: Why are roses red?
Child: Stop, Mum, you never make jokes.
Mum: I made you.
May our days be abundant, a dance of delight, May I navigate life with courage, taking flight. May our journey be a beauty, a blessing so sweet, May I celebrate friendships, where hearts and souls meet.
May our nights be bright, with laughter and cheer, May we live with love, eliminating every fear. May I grow in kindness, a serenade of grace, May our lives be a marvel, a splendid embrace.
Why couldn't Sally get back up? Because she has no friends.
I walked in on my little sister when she was naked.
The thing I have to say is that my little sister is a big sister with big tits & ass with juicy lips upstairs & downstairs. I say whoever is going to be my brother-in-law is going to be a very happy person.
The longer the relationship, the longer the breakup will hurt you. Better break up now ooo.🤣
