Relationship jokes
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."
A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.
His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"
The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."
How does the cop respond to being called racist?
He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.
I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.
Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?
Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.
My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(
I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.
Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.
A lesbian couple and a gay couple are going to San Francisco. Who made it first?
The lesbian couple got there lickety-split.
The gay couple was still packing their shit.
I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.
What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?
Hey there little mister, I'm dating your sister.
One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.
I’m breaking up with you, bitch.
I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap!
I’m am very sad that you guys are making fun of adopted kids because I am adopted :( :( 😢 🥺 😢 😭😭
You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.
"A friend with weed is a friend indeed."
What is the difference between your dad and a video game?
Your dad doesn’t beat you.
My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.
"Don't have sex" - Jake.