Relationship jokes
Yeah, Eli is hot.
My Emo friend was coming over to my house. When he got there, he said, "Got a rope?" I asked why, and he said, "I want to make a swing."
My brother when he sees a girl.
Uder the sheets.
Under the sheeeets. Me and your mother making your brother.
Under the sheets. Do do do do dododoodoooddododoodo.
SEX KIDS FUCKING VIRGINS
Life is a lot like a penis. It's relaxed, and just hanging there.
It's women that make it hard.
What did the girl say Big Fella27 said, "I love Big Fella 27?"
"Same." HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH
So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.
My girlfriend said she's having a horrible time with her period. I ask her which one, but realize she's not talking about school...
We don't see each other very much.
A guy asked me what I do for a living.
Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"
Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.
What do you call a not potty trained human?
Amber Heard.
What do you call a downy who can't get a girlfriend?
Down bad.
Why do trees always gotta leave me hanging?
Dad: Son, I came back.
Son: Where is the milk?
Dad: Time for another 10 years.
One day Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking a cigar. Johnny said, "Can I have a puff?"
Grandpa said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."
Later that day, Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a drink. Johnny said, "Can I have a sip?"
Grandpa said the same thing, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."
Later that night, Johnny was eating some cookies in the kitchen. Grandpa said, "Hi son, can I have a cookie?"
Johnny said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Grandpa said, "Yes."
Johnny said, "Good, go fuck yourself!"
Why can't an orphan have sex?
They have no one to call "daddy."
So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
Whoever said men will f**k anything that moves is *dead* wrong.
I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.