Relationship jokes

My girlfriend said she's having a horrible time with her period. I ask her which one, but realize she's not talking about school...

We don't see each other very much.

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.

What do you call a not potty trained human?

Amber Heard.

What do you call a downy who can't get a girlfriend?

Down bad.

Why do trees always gotta leave me hanging?

Dad: Son, I came back.

Son: Where is the milk?

Dad: Time for another 10 years.

One day Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking a cigar. Johnny said, "Can I have a puff?"

Grandpa said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

Later that day, Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a drink. Johnny said, "Can I have a sip?"

Grandpa said the same thing, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

Later that night, Johnny was eating some cookies in the kitchen. Grandpa said, "Hi son, can I have a cookie?"

Johnny said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandpa said, "Yes."

Johnny said, "Good, go fuck yourself!"

Why can't an orphan have sex?

They have no one to call "daddy."

So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.

Therapist: So what brought you here today?

Wife: He's too literal.

Therapist: And you, sir?

Husband: My truck.

Whoever said men will f**k anything that moves is *dead* wrong.

I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.

What's the difference between you and your sister?

Your dad.

How emos propose: Would you please join my family tree?

Friend: Wanna hear a joke?

Orphan Friend: Sure.

Friend: Parents.

Other: I don't get it.

Friend: And you never will.

If you hit 9999 orphans and they all tell each other, are the other orphans their parents???

Roses are red, Foxes are orange, I like your butt, Let me touch it forever.

Girl: Dad, where are you?

Dad: I went to go get milk.

Girl: But we have milk.

Dad: I know, I just don't love you.

Dad: Honey!

Mom: What?

Dad: All of the broken condoms are on the bed.

Mom: WHAT!?

Children: *staring*